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So, let’s get started! Today, we discuss decentering men and why your motivations matter. I thought this would be a great topic because there’s been an upsurge in content on decentering men, often with the underlying idea that you decenter men so that better men can come into your life. Let’s explore this and understand why using men as a motivator to decenter men can harm your journey.
Main Topic: Understanding Decentering Men
First, let’s discuss what decentering men are. Decentering men is a lifestyle where you subvert and unlearn patriarchal norms. This looks like not tying your worth to your role as wife, mother, girlfriend, or any other relationship where women are expected to labor. It’s a lifestyle where you make choices for yourself and your pleasure, deciding what you want your life to look like without the influences of society. It means following your heart and seeking pleasure when you want it. When you decenter men, you aim to base all decisions on what you want and not what men think, want, dictate, or enforce through institutions or society.
However, when the desire for a better man drives your motivation to decenter men, you push up against the aim of the practice. You’re subtly including what men want, albeit in a roundabout way. You aren’t decentering men to understand your thoughts free from patriarchy; you’re doing it to look and be more appealing to a better man. I encourage you to move beyond this phase or take a beat and self-reflect on why this is still your focus.
Investigating Underlying Needs
It could mean you have an underlying need for stability. Or perhaps you haven’t been affirmed in childhood and thirst for it, using men to fulfill that need. Maybe you don’t have a community and use men to compensate for that loneliness. Or it could be what you’ve been taught, and you don’t know another way to live. The point is to investigate why, despite your best efforts, your thoughts always revert to questions like, “How does this make me more desirable for men?” or “How will this help me have better dating experiences?”
To be clear, I am not focusing on your motivations to condemn or force you to live ideologically pure. This discussion aims to acknowledge that your desire for better dating experiences and better men may have been the driving force, but this is not the end goal of your journey to decenter men. This is not the end goal.
Owning Yourself
The end goal of this journey is to own yourself finally. Owning yourself means owning your thoughts, dreams, and desires, how you want to operate in the world, how you want to express yourself, and how you want to think and feel. You can’t do that when an imaginary partner is dictating your actions. You can’t own yourself when you are performing for a hypothetical man. You can’t own yourself operating on someone else’s criteria. You can only own yourself when your mind is clear from distractions and operating on your criteria.
So, be honest and ask: Who am I doing this for?
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