A paper by Ekin Ok, Yi Qian, Brendan Strejcek, and Karl Aquino titled Signaling Virtuous Victimhood as Indicators of Dark Triad Personalities has been on my mind. It suggests something unsettling: traits like Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy are linked to what the researchers call “virtuous victim signaling.” This is when people portray themselves as virtuous victims to gain sympathy, elevate their moral status, and manipulate others.
At first glance, it sounds extreme, but when I look around, I can’t help but see traces of this behavior everywhere—especially among Millennials and Gen Z. We’ve become so good at talking about our pain, our trauma, and our mental health struggles. And while that openness is a step forward, there’s a fine line between sharing your struggles and turning them into an identity.
The Rise of Self-Indulgent Suffering
Here’s the thing: pain is universal. Every generation has felt it in some form. But what’s different now is how we’ve started to wrap ourselves in our suffering, almost like a security blanket. We talk about our struggles endlessly, but when someone suggests a way to work through them, we often scoff or shut down. It’s as if we’ve become so attached to our pain that we’re afraid to let it go.
If you’ve ever read anything about trauma therapy, you’ll know that indulging in your pain isn’t a tool they recommend. Therapists offer coping mechanisms and ways to manage and redirect your emotions—not ways to stay stuck in them. Yet, so many of us do exactly that. We self-indulge in our pain, treating it like a unique brand of suffering that no one else could possibly understand.
The Comfort of Being the Victim
And let’s be honest: there’s a certain comfort in staying the victim. When you’re the one who’s struggling, you become the center of attention. People tell you how brave you are, how strong you are, how they’re “praying for you” or “here for you.” It feels good to be seen, to be validated, to have your pain acknowledged.
But here’s the problem: when you start to rely on that validation, it becomes harder to move forward. You don’t want to see the light at the end of the tunnel because it would mean giving up the comfort of being the one everyone feels sorry for. You start to crave that fresh supply of sympathy, and before you know it, your pain has become your supply, and you are bordering on narcissistic behavior.
What Boomers Were Trying to Say
I think this is what Boomers were clumsily trying to tell us when they said things like, “Stop being so sensitive” or “Just get over it.” They didn’t have the language we have now to talk about mental health, so their advice often came off as dismissive or out of touch. But maybe, just maybe, they were onto something. Maybe they were trying to say that while pain is real, you shouldn’t indulge in it to the point of being offended by the mere suggestion that you can come out on the other end of it.
Take my grandmother, for example. She was born in the 1940s in a society that did everything it could to clip her wings. But instead of dwelling on what was done to her, she lives in the present. She’s also one of the happiest, most grounded people I know—not because she’s forgotten her pain, but because she refuses to indulge in it.
Breaking the Cycle
Here’s the hard truth: you have a right to your pain. But when that pain becomes self-indulgent—when you wrap yourself in it like an identity or reject any suggestion of moving forward—you border on virtuous victim signaling. You’re not just sharing your struggles; you’re using them to gain sympathy, elevate your status, and keep yourself at the center of attention.
Healing doesn’t mean erasing your past or pretending everything is fine. It means finding a way to live alongside your pain without letting it consume you. It means taking small, uncomfortable steps toward a full and meaningful life.
So, if you’ve been stuck in your pain for a while, ask yourself: Am I holding onto this because it’s all I know? Am I afraid of who I’ll be without it? And most importantly, am I ready to take even one tiny step toward something better?
Because here’s the thing: you don’t have to stay stuck. You don’t have to be defined by your pain. And you don’t have to keep signaling your victimhood to feel seen or valued. You are so much more than your struggles—and it’s time to start living like it.
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